I have found that life, is what it is.
This is just a simple statement, but the spaces between the words are filled with a lifetime of experiences, a lifetime of moments to love and of moments to hate but in much greater proportions filled with moments that end up being ‘white noise’.
It is those moments of ambiguity that may very well form who we are at a deeper level than the acute moments of clear reaction and experience. It is not in the moments when my actions were clearly laid out for me by the situation forced upon me and by my moral compass that have changed me so much as the moments, that in reflection, I was given absolute control over what, where and how I lived in those moments.
It actually feels safe being on the inside of a situation that demands my reactions or my ingrained moral compass to drive my decisions and if it were possible, I would strive to engage in those easy moments throughout each day of my life.
It is incredibly easy to live in those acute moments where there are no regrets on decision, no ‘what if’ reflections, nor responsibility in actions taken but that is not what great majority of life is. Life is a series of very short clearly defined acute moments where our actions are driven by our internal wiring, mixed with huge stretches of time where our actions are determined solely by our own choices.
Choices that easily lead to failure because we are relying not on outside stimulus, but relying on internal wants and needs that are easily confused with our moral compass. This is mostly due to having the time to justify in our own minds that wants and needs are actually us acting on circumstance and on that moral compass. We strive for that easily defined motivation and in doing so we start to add layers to the onion that is our justification for the instance. This is where we start in our failure to ourselves and then in doing so, our failure to the small part of existence that we encroach upon. Doing so without out truly wanting any understanding as to the breadth, depth and width of the ripples we raise by casting that one stone into the pond of life.
Mind you this is not some new found revelation that is unknown to the universe that I am bringing to the page, I would never believe myself wiser than those who have come before me. It is, however, almost always a newfound personal revelation to all those that take the time to delve into their internal motivations or have the wherewithal to ask themselves “How did I get to this place in my life?”.
As we step into the shadows of generations before that have asked that question, we do so with the same surprise they felt as they realized that they too are now answering questions with questions as they peel layer after layer from the justified onion. As each layer is removed and seeming clarity is found, a lifted edge on the glistening skin of the newly exposed understanding reminds us that there is yet another layer beneath. So this Sisyphean task continues until either you face the true motivation behind the choice or most likely you will face the fact that our actions in the majority of life are not based on anything at all, that we are peeling away layers to find a reason because if we cannot find a reason then how do we explain the circumstances we find ourselves in?
Without explanation or justification of choices, it all just becomes random happenstance that brought us into the place that we are now at asking “How did I get here in life?”. That realization of knowing your current life is really nothing more than the culmination of choices without purpose or reason is a lot to come to grips with and most of us will just quit asking rather than to keep peeling away the layers with the inevitable truth ahead. At the very center, at the very very last layer, at the last unfolding all there is left is a void.
Consider this, what if we made our choices during those moments in life devoid of actionable circumstances with the first thought of mind being “I shall purpose to own this moment, and in doing so, own the ripples I am about to loose upon the universe”
How much time could be saved, how much stress avoided, and how much anxiety can be washed away by living a life that is filled with as many purposeful decisions as you are able?
Do I believe making purposeful choices will take away the stresses in life? Absolutely not! What I believe is that making those purposed choices allows you to own them, and in doing so learn from them as the choices are now bound in a definable purpose rather than an ever changing motivation.
So either I choose to live my life with purposeful decisions knowing that there is reason in my choices that reflect the meaning and value of my life lived or I choose to spend my life as an onion peeling away layers until the inevitable void in the center is all that is left reflecting in its pure nothingness the meaning I gave my own life.